A friend sent me a message, today. Sounds fairly routine, except this friend and I don’t really chat that often. Her message was simply that she had read this blog and that I was never obese. Weird. I am terribly grateful for the wake up call this message gave me. There are two very important messages that I received loud and clear.
1. This blog exists. I rant, write, and think on paper all of the time. I have a variety of journals that I tote around with me. Unless I type the words here on my blog, really, what’s the point of having a blog? I am not really surprised that I do this. This has happened so many times for me, but in another aspect of my life. I deal with anxiety on an almost daily basis and when I stress, as my husband likes to put it, I get distant. I withdraw into my own little world of writing in journals, running, cooking, planning, and surviving. I tend to shut down any contact with the outside world except for bursts of contact with friends where I find myself g(r)asping for connection and air. This blog, ironically, was meant to help pull me out of this shell. I am grateful that I have been reminded of its purpose.
2. I was obese. I am not ashamed of saying that. I am not fat, but I was. It’s quite simple, really. I am a 5’2 woman with a small frame and I topped the scale at 185lbs. I was primarily fat as I was completely inactive and had no muscle tone. I suffered from “exercise induced asthma.” (Which, by the way, at my current, healthier weight, doesn’t even exist). I had to have my gallbladder removed due to a terrible diet and an eating disorder. My mind was filled with self-loathing and shame and I think that I checked out on myself, my health, and my spirit. It has been a long time coming to reclaim this body, to truly live in it, and while my mind and my spirit fight to remain distant and unreachable, I am making progress.
I know where I came from. I am proud of where I am. I am grateful for the wake up.